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A message to the US from the Queen...

Started by twocvbloke, November 07, 2012, 10:47:39 PM

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twocvbloke

Cut & paste from another forum I'm on, in light of the election, I thought it seems pretty appropriate (as a joke of course!! No offence intended)... :D

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. A HMRC officer (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs, i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


:D

AE_Collector

Can they still make tea by putting the tea bag directly in the cup (sometimes a paper cup) and with hot water direct from from the tap?

Here Here to the English Bitter becoming the official beer.

I'd make more comments but I need to get some Minerals for a Rum & Coke.

Terry

twocvbloke

Quote from: AE_collector on November 07, 2012, 11:12:33 PM
Can they still make tea by putting the tea bag directly in the cup (sometimes a paper cup) and with hot water direct from from the tap?

No, only boiling hot water from a kettle, as otherwise you're making gnats pee, not a cup of tea... :D

DavePEI

Rule Brittania! :)
A lot of Americans may get awfully upset!

Time for the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812!
The Telephone Museum of Prince Edward Island:
http://www.islandregister.com/phones/museum.html
Free Admission - Call (902) 651-2762 to arrange a visit!
C*NET 1-651-0001

Phonesrfun

And all that time, I thought the queen was open to a leveraged buy-out and annexation to the US.  Wouln't you chaps rather pay less for gasoline than you currently pay for petrol?

And why, oh why do the Brits drive on the wrong side of the street?  Seems rather dangerous to me.

Speaking of those extra words "like wow, man"  What about those extra letters in colour and neighbour and so forth?  If you add up all the millions and millions of "u"'s that we don't use over here, we must be saving a bundle on something!  You know??

They have already put too many roundabouts here!  I hate them!

As for number 11,  I rather thought James Bond was a good guy.  But our take on a British actors is usually limited to Mr. Bean or Hyacynth Bucket. 

We'll tell you who killed JFK when you folks tell us who killed JR Ewing.

And finally the queen herself.  You folks love her, I am sure.  In fact many over on this side of the pond seem to have an infatuation with watching the royals get married and carry on with riddiculous looking hats and all the pomp.  I kind of liked it when she parachuted out of a helicopter at the opening of the olympics.  Jolly good show!  But having her as a ruler?  Nahhh.




-Bill G

twocvbloke

Quote from: Phonesrfun on November 08, 2012, 01:36:38 AMAs for number 11,  I rather thought James Bond was a good guy.  But our take on a British actors is usually limited to Mr. Bean or Hyacynth Bucket.

Aside from No. 11 being about football, James Bond is a british creation, traditionally filmed & produced in british studios, so of course he'll be british and a good guy... :D

And no, I'm not fond of the queen myself, I'm a northerner, if something serves no purpose, it's no good to me... ;D

Owain

16. You will rewire your homes with proper electric sockets and plugs that carry more than 2A without overheating and light switches will be up for off.

17. You will introduce a proper emergency telephone number system using 999 that's available from every landline phone in the country at no charge.

18. The Queen's head will appear on stamps and you go to prison if you stick it on the envelope upside-down.

19. You will have proper letterboxes in your front doors, not mailboxes in the garden.

20. You will pay for a licence to receive television.

21. Healthcare free at the point of use, and you don't have to tip in restaurants.

Doug Rose

Quote from: DavePEI on November 08, 2012, 01:11:24 AM
Rule Brittania! :)
A lot of Americans may get awfully upset!

Time for the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812!
Wow! 
Kidphone

Owain

Quote from: twocvbloke on November 08, 2012, 12:09:22 AM
Quote from: AE_collector on November 07, 2012, 11:12:33 PM
Can they still make tea by putting the tea bag directly in the cup (sometimes a paper cup) and with hot water direct from from the tap?

No, only boiling hot water from a kettle, as otherwise you're making gnats pee, not a cup of tea... :D

Do Americans have kettles?

poplar1

Yes, we have kettles, but most of us prefer real coffee to the instant kind you need a kettle for.
"C'est pas une restauration, c'est une rénovation."--François Martin.

twocvbloke

Quote from: poplar1 on November 08, 2012, 07:19:58 PM
Yes, we have kettles, but most of us prefer real coffee to the instant kind you need a kettle for.

Depends on what type of coffee pot you're using, some require a kettle, such as the Cafetiere...  :D

I can't drink coffee, at least not in the same quantities as I have in tea, does unpleasant things to me... :o

kleenax

Quote from: Owain on November 08, 2012, 07:03:51 PM
Quote from: twocvbloke on November 08, 2012, 12:09:22 AM
Quote from: AE_collector on November 07, 2012, 11:12:33 PM
Can they still make tea by putting the tea bag directly in the cup (sometimes a paper cup) and with hot water direct from from the tap?

No, only boiling hot water from a kettle, as otherwise you're making gnats pee, not a cup of tea... :D

Do Americans have kettles?
I'm an American, and I have a kettle. I drink a pot of fresh-ground coffee (Sumatra-DARK), in the morning, and have a "kettle on the boil" most all day long while working for my TEA-brewing. I drink Earl  Gray, Oolong, and on occasion, some very special Brown rice green tea. Oh, and I also make tea with dried Ginseng root; quite interesting actually....

Oh, and I don't use tea-bags, instead, I brew it properly with a tea strainer/infuser.
Ray Kotke
Recumbent Casting, LLC

DavePEI

Ray:

I thought Americans make tea only when they have a Boston Tea Party :)
The Telephone Museum of Prince Edward Island:
http://www.islandregister.com/phones/museum.html
Free Admission - Call (902) 651-2762 to arrange a visit!
C*NET 1-651-0001

AE_Collector

#13
Quote from: kleenax on November 08, 2012, 10:35:39 PM
Oh, and I don't use tea-bags, instead, I brew it properly with a tea strainer/infuser.

Okay, you're allowed to stay :)

Terry

twocvbloke

Tea strainers? Isn't that what a tea bag is, but without the fiddly mess? :D

I guess it's like the difference between a Cafetiere and a Keurig K-cup coffee maker, they both make the same end product (well, it's brown and coffee-looking!!), just one's prepackaged and measured accurately, the other makes a mess when cleaning it out... :D